Monday, January 11, 2010

President Conducts Disquisition On New Anti-Terrorist Plans.

President Conducts Disquisition On New Anti-Terrorist Plans.

President O’Bomber sat for a lengthy third exclusive interview with this reporter recently. This time we discussed the reasons why the CIA failed to connect the dots to stop Abdulmutallab from flying on a Northwest plane to Detroit. (Abdulmutallab, of course, intended to fly to Lake Huron, not Detroit.)

“It is not true that our analysts were not connecting the dots,” said O’Bomber. “There were 200 of them in Langley connecting the dots in the little books we give them. They were coloring in the pictures too after they connected the dots.

“So it is wrong and untrue for that wacko, the aptly named Dick Cheney, to claim the CIA was not doing its job. Cheney has called me privately to give me his own plan, just like he used to tell George Bush what to do. Cheney says that the way to stop terrorists from blowing up airplanes in flight is to stop people from flying. That way terrorists will have to blow up airplanes on the ground, where nobody will get hurt. He says nobody ever heard of an airplane falling out of the ground, so people will be safe.

“Cheney suggested to me that we give all people who want to be terrorists the key to the big parking lot in the Arizona desert where all the thousands of airplanes not currently in use are kept. This would enable the terrorists to blow up all the airplanes they want, with nobody being hurt. As a side benefit, we would find out who the terrorists are because they would have to apply for keys to the parking lot, and we could also track them on the parking lot to find out what particular type of plane each likes to blow up.

“Cheney,” continued the President, “wants to turn the whole country into a no fly zone. He carries this to the point where he wants to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom given to the Wright brothers. He said to me, ‘Anyway, Brack (he runs my first initial and middle name together like I was some foul water), that medal should never have gone to the Wright brothers. It should have gone to Alberto Santos Dumas.’ I had some of our analysts take some time off from connecting dots and filling in colors in order to check this out, and they reported back that it’s true. This broke the CIA string of 287 consecutive mistakes, but I decided not to do it anyway.

“Before announcing my final decision about this, however, I called former President Bush to get his view on it. At first I got a wrong number. The guy on the other end said ‘I think you’ve got a wrong number. This is George H.W. Bush. I think you’re looking for George W. Bush.’ But he gave me the phone number of George W. Bush and I then called him. His advice was ‘If the aptly named Dick Cheney tells you to do it, then do it.’

“I thanked him for the advice, and told him that I had already decided against it and was just calling him for fun. ‘There are so few of us ex Presidents or soon-to-be-ex Presidents around,’ I said, ‘so I thought it would be good fun to call you.’ I also thanked him for not publicly opposing any of my plans or initiatives, and he graciously replied, ‘Well, I’ve learned that people hate my guts and think I’m stupid. But you are following the same policies I did with regard to war and the economy, so you are helping rehabilitate my name in history. I’m happy about that and so there is no way I am going to speak out against what you’re doing.’”

After these discussions, I asked the President whether there was any truth to the rumor that we are going to make it harder to obtain visas, so that it will be harder for terrorists to get into the United States and even to get on planes heading for the United States. “Yes,” he said, “we are going to do that. In fact, we are also going to require Americans to get visas to get into Washington, D.C. or to get on planes headed for Washington. Unless they are lobbyists carrying brown paper bags full of cash. Or Senators or Congressmen coming to Washington to pick up the cash. People will also have to sit in their seats and not go to the bathroom for the last three hours of their flight, including before the plane takes off if necessary.

“There is precedent [said the President] for internal visas like the ones people will need to get into Washington. They were called internal passports in the Soviet Union and the Corn Laws in merry olde England. And they are consistent with the fact that Washington is another country from the rest of America. We don’t want people from that other country coming in to D.C. and screwing things up. We are, however, giving consideration to excepting residents of the wealthy Virginia and Maryland suburbs -- Alexandria, Bethesda, Fairfax County, Montgomery County, etc. -- from the visa requirement. They belong more to Washington, after all, than to the vast foreign country of the United States.’”

The interview then turned to some of the technical reasons why security analysts had completely failed to catch Abdulmutallab before he got onto the Northwest flight, even though there were lots of warning signs. “Look,” said O’Bomber (“Look” is the expostulation he always uses when he is exasperated by the obduracy or stupidity of the person he is talking to, like John McCain or Sarah Palin.). “Look,” said President O’Bomber, “our analysts were very busy connecting dots and coloring in pictures. And what good would it have done anyway if they had been looking for hints and clues? We had a host of hints and clues before 9/11, and what good did that do? This proves that understanding hints and clues here wouldn’t have been worthwhile.

“Nor was it believable that a Nigerian banker would turn in his own son. So the analysts were certain that his coming to the embassy to tell it he feared his son had become a terrorist was an obvious ruse designed to throw us off the track. In fact, we started following the father because, if he was engaging in this ruse, he must have some connection with the terrorists. Or maybe, of course, his son had disappeared, and he just wanted the CIA to find his son for him.”

I asked the President about the report that we had known someone was flying to the United States with a name spelled only one letter differently from Abdulmutallab’s, but it turned out to be the bomber himself with his name spelled wrongly on the CIA’s lists. “Yes,” said President O’Bomber, “that’s true. Our lists showed someone scheduled to fly named Abdulmetallab, with an e instead of a u. One analyst said he thought it was odd that a metal laboratory was getting on an airplane, but his colleagues made sport of him, saying that this was of course impossible, and the spelling occurred because a computer printer ran together the name of the passenger and the name of his place of employment (i.e., Mr. Abdul of Metallab). Other CIA analysts got things wrong because they thought they were looking for a home address that was the address of the building we blew up in Yemen with a Predator missile in late December awhile after there had been a meeting there of top level Al Qaeda officials earlier in December. We subsequently learned that the Al Qaeda officials had met there early in December because they knew there would be no women and children in the building at the time and knew also that we would never fire at a building that had no women and children in it. They knew we would wait until later in December, when there would be 43 women and 92 children in the building. In fact, movies taken by our satellites that we downloaded in January showed Al Qaeda leaders dancing around on the roof of the building in early December, firing their Kalashnikovs into the air while repeatedly screaming Arabic words that our Arabic lip readers identified from satellite movies as being ‘F ck you Predator drones.’”

The President then turned briefly from the Abdulmutallab situation to the recent assassination of seven CIA agents. He said that, as sad as all this may or may not be for her, our intelligence had revealed it was not beyond human possibility that the wife of the guy who blew up himself and seven CIA people had encouraged her husband to be a radical. She had, he confirmed, written a book comparing Osama bin Laden to Che Guevara, and had said her husband, a doctor, “had said he wanted to learn more about surgery,” which consists of making holes in people, at least temporarily.

“Apparently,” said O’Bomber, “this guy had learned not only how to put holes in people, but how to make them disappear entirely, how to make them no longer incorporeal.” When I asked him what that means, he said, “Look, it means incorporeal. His wife’s views might have had some effect,” he continued. “After all, this is no different from the American South before and during our own Civil War, when southern women demanded that their husbands and sweethearts go fight the Yankees and derided men as cowards if they did not go fight them. So there is a history of this right here in our own country, and one cannot disregard the possibility that it is going on today in the Arab world because it has come to hate our militaristic actions there and our efforts to tell Arab governments what to do and to control those countries. I am taking account of this possibility every day, just as I now understand that Bush and Cheney did, and it is for that reason that I am currently fighting only two wars in the Middle East. If it were not for fear of further stoking Arab hatred, I would likely be fighting in Yemen (or Yeahman), Iran and maybe Syria too as well as Iraq and Afghanistan. I do want to deserve my NoBull Peace Prize, after all.”

Before continuing with the main thread of his discussion of clues that we missed in the Abdulmutallab case, and then of changes he is ordering in order to increase our security, the President elaborated a bit more on the question of Arab hatred for us and America’s racist, though denied, reciprocal feelings. “Look,” he said, “there is no truth at all to the claim that a woman was not allowed to sit right behind the podium,” at which he was speaking at a rally in Detroit, “because she was wearing an Arab headscarf and would be seen on television. There is no truth in that at all,” he said. “The real and only reason she was removed was that she kept screaming, ‘You tell ’em, Hussein. You tell ’em, Hussein.’ (Hussein’s my middle name, you know. That’s why Cheney thinks I was born in Kazakhstan.) Whether or not she would have been seen on television, her slogan would certainly have been heard on television, and that is why she was removed. You tell ’em, Hussein, indeed! And in fact, we later found out that underneath the head scarf she was actually a blue-eyed blonde Arizona-American planted by the McCain campaign. It was part of the sabotage program that they secretly called ‘The McCain Campaign Screws Hussein.’

“We are also seeking further cooperation with the Yemen (or Yeahman) government,” said the President, “and are asking them to cooperate in helping us eliminate Al Qaeda - - despite the increasing hatred for America in the Arab world - - because my middle name is Hussein. This is part of my basic principle that words speak louder than actions. This, of course, is the very opposite of George Bush’s principle that, since he only knows 212 English words, his stupid actions would have to speak for him. But we are running into some trouble because the southern part of Yemen hates the northern part, which, it says, gets all the better education and jobs, and wants to secede from the northern part. So the south is not eager to help us. It has a lot of advisers who are telling it to secede and not to help us. One of our top CIA guys asked the head of the southern part of the country who his favorite adviser is, and the guy told him it’s Jefferson Davis. So you can see that we have a problem. Especially since the situation of better northern education and jobs is exactly the same as before our own Civil War and for over 100 years afterwards.”

At this point, President O’Bomber turned back to the main thread of what we are doing to improve our intelligence capability and our defenses, so that there will not be future attempted bombings of airplanes, at least not while they are in the air. “First,” he said, we are buying our analysts many more books in which to connect the dots and color in the pictures. Now, there are those who say that there is so much information available to the analysts already that they already cannot keep up in analyzing what is available, and that the situation only will get worse if we make all the computers talk to each other so that there is even much more information for the analysts to connect up. I admit that this could prove true. But for political purposes, I have to be able to say we are doing something, so I have ordered the computers to be connected up, with the main server to be located in Wasilla, Alaska because you can look out the window and see the Soviet Union from there. At least that’s what Sarah said. And if this doesn’t work, we can always say it’s her fault for misleading us about what you can do from Wasilla.

“Anyway, maybe it will work. After all, it’s only eight years since we began connecting up the computers. That’s not much time, so it’s little wonder that so many of them are still disconnected (like politicians from reality), but with a crash program (no pun or double pun intended) we might succeed in connecting them up real quick now and maybe it will do some good instead of screwing things up even more.

“Second, we are going to steal an idea from our enemies. My top terrorism adviser, John Brennan, has said we did not realize Al Qaeda was already “launching individuals” against the United States. Hell, I didn’t even know they were going to launch people. I thought you only launch rockets. But we’re going to steal this idea from Al Qaeda and launch people against it. We haven’t figured out yet whether to launch them from Predators, in which case they would have to be drones. But that’s no problem because the government is filled with them. Or, alternatively, we might launch them from outer space.

“Third, we are going to require every flyer either to pay for his ticket with a credit card or to have luggage. No more of this ‘Mr. Rich Boy paying with cash and having no luggage.’ If the luggage is empty, or simply has t-shirts or whatever, that’s ok, so long as you do have luggage.

“Fourth, we are going to give a permanent vacation to Michael Leiter, the Director of the National Counterterrorism Center who went on a ski vacation instead of working on the Metallab case, er, Mutallab case. Brennan okayed this, telling Leiter ‘[y]ou deserve this vacation.’ He deserves it so much that we are going to make it permanent.

“We also are going to insist that everyone who gets on a plane in, or going to, the United States must get a full body, backscatter x-ray scan that leaves nothing to the imagination. Generally speaking, we don’t expect too much opposition to this on the grounds of privacy. We have had some opposition to it, however, from a splinter group of NOW which is claiming it will do no good and is only a plot cooked up by horny TSA personnel, usually male. NOW is working in cooperation with the League of Frenchmen With Badly Deformed Penises. There are a lot of those guys in France for obvious reasons. But we will probably be able to overcome this opposition from NOW and the League by agreeing to change our plan to post every backscatter x-ray on Facebook -- which would have had to change its name.

“This plan to make everyone undergo a backscatter x-ray,” continued President O’Bomber, “has been warmly welcomed by Jockey Brand underwear. The Jockey Company had been giving serious consideration to the possibility of having to get out of the underpants manufacturing business because Al Qaeda was turning underpants into a weapon of mass destruction. That would have left the underpants manufacturing business to manufacturers in the Arab countries and sweat shops in China. The Jockey people were sick about this, and it would have hurt our balance of payments too. But now that we are taking steps to prevent underpants from being a weapon of mass destruction, the Jockey people do not feel they have to leave the business. They are delighted. In fact they are so happy that they have promised to contribute 50 million dollars to my 2012 presidential campaign and to themselves contribute as much money to the foundation I will start after I leave the Presidency as Honest Bill Clinton amassed in toto in his foundation after he left the Presidency. That’s over 100 million dollars, I think. The Jockey people have even gotten a so-called advisory opinion from John Roberts, Samuel Alito and Nino Scalia that they can do this because it is free speech.

“So, you see,” said the President, “we have a host of meshugganer plans that are certain to work. We are developing a system so foolproof that even Mother Theresa couldn’t get on an airplane if she was wearing an explosive belt, or even a chastity belt.

“There are those who say the reason we and the Bush Administration failed previously, as did all other administrations going back at least to the mid 1960s, is that people in government and politics are stupid. Or if they are not stupid when they join government, or begin politics, for some reason they quickly become stupid thereafter. There is no truth to that point of view. What we have lacked previously is not brains, but the appropriate plans. And the lack of appropriate plans was not due to the lack of brains. Anyway, now we have the appropriate plans, so we expect to get rid of Al Qaeda. And the aptly named Dick Cheney.”

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