The CIA Blows It Again, This Time In Connection With The Gilbert Arenas Affair

January 8, 2010

The CIA Blows It Again, This Time In Connection With
The Gilbert Arenas Affair.


In his second exclusive interview with this reporter, President B. Rack O’Bomber (aka Anti-Afghan Man) disclosed that the CIA had blown it again, for the 238th consecutive time (as revealed by Tim Weiner in his classic Lagacy of Ashes. The CIA, said O’Bomber, completely missed the fact that the dreaded Stern gang had manufactured the Gilbert Arenas incident as part of its continuing war on its rival, the equally dreaded UrGUN. The UrGUN has been attempting to take over professional basketball from the Stern Gang as part of UrGUN’s war to further rot the minds of the American public, media and politicians. It is trying to do this by causing them to focus yet again on the inessential and meaningless, this time on the subject of professional basketball, instead of on crucial matters such as whether Kraft will take over Cadbury as part of the infamous Chacolate War.

Speaking in his usual Golden Glossalalia, the President disclosed that Gilbert Arenas had brought unloaded pistols to Gilbert’s Arena in violation of the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Washington gun control case. Under that high court ruling, it is not lawful to carry unloaded weapons in Washington, D.C. It is lawful only to carry loaded weapons. “That damn fool, Arenas,” said the President, “could have avoided the whole problem if only, like so much of the rest of Washington, he had loaded the pistols before he had taken them out of his house. Hasn’t he ever heard of the Supreme Court?”

Arenas’ misconduct in later pointing his fingers at his teammates in Cleveland and saying “Bang,” said the President, has forced the head of the Stern Gang, King David, to blow up. King David declared that this act of pointing fingers and going “Bang” makes Arenas “not currently fit to take the court in an NBA game.” Such declaration was exactly correct, said the President, “because Stern is running a league populated by girl scouts.” As evidence, the President pointed to the incident in which Latrell Sprewell had choked his coach, P.J. Carlesimo. The player’s union, pointed out O’Bomber, had “properly defended Sprewell’s action, on a successful appeal to an arbitration panel, as an act of peaceful protest. But the union will not touch Arenas’ case with a fork,” said the President, “because his guns were unloaded.

It is far worse to have unloaded guns than to choke your coach,” declared President O’Bomber, “since what kind of a protest is it to have unloaded guns? Or to simply get on your knees, point your fingers and say “Bang”? Nobody pays attention to that kind of so-called protest. As we are proving every day, the only kind of protest people understand is the kind we are using in Iraq and Afghanistan, when we are using loaded guns that go bang. The CIA, however, completely missed this sure-fire sign that the whole Arenas deal was a put-up job manufactured by the Stern Gang in its battle with the UrGUN for control of American basketball.”

The President completely dismissed Arenas’ defense that he intended to load the weapons for possible use on defense in a forthcoming one on one game he had scheduled against Kermit Washington. Or was it Ron Artest? “Anybody can claim anything,” said the President. “The only actual facts on the ground were that the guns were unloaded, and, in the exact words of the statute, it is a crime to ‘transport or stash’ unloaded weapons in Washington, D.C. It is little wonder that Javaris Crittenton threatened to shoot Arenas in his previously devastated, surgically repaired knee.”

“If I have any bone to pick with David Stern,” said the President, “it is that the punishment of suspension, with a loss in pay of about $147,000 or $148,000 per game, was too light. What Stern should have done instead of suspending Arenas with a loss of pay is to make him play without being paid. Now that would hurt. This is evidenced by the fact that bankers, insurance executives, hedge fund managers and other Wall Street types beloved by Larry Summers, Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke and Robert Rubin are complaining bitterly that we are making them work without 25 million dollar annual bonuses and 10 million dollar salaries. Stern should have thought of Arenas as simply another Washington/New York-axis financial power player and treated him accordingly -- after all, under his contract he was scheduled to make about $111 million in just six years. Even Lloyd Blankfein or Larry Summers wouldn’t necessarily sneeze at that.”

The President also dismissed the statement by Ernie Gunfeld, nee Grunfeld, the President of Arenas’ team, that Arenas’ conduct and the conduct of some of his teammates was unacceptable. “Gunfeld’s statement is of a piece with Stern’s press release, all political statements, all corporate statements, and my personal press releases and statements,” said O’Bomber in a burst of near British candour. “It is complete bovine defecation designed to sound good, but actually completely meaningless, the kind of statement which it has for decades been customary to put out in the belief, which everyone knows is wrong, that it will fool the public. But then, as Lincoln said, you can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time. And it gives the mass media something to talk about.”

The President admitted, however, that suspending Arenas from playing did accomplish one successful goal on behalf of the overall fortunes of the Stern Gang’s NBA. “Arenas’ team, under his leadership, was posing a serious threat to the Boston Celtics, the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers,” said the President. “This threat to their dominance had to be nipped in the bud on behalf of the NBA, and the best way to do that was to suspend Arenas. If he can’t play, the threat to the Celtics, Cavaliers and Lakers is over.”

When queried about the fact that Javaris Crittenton, the “little used” other player involved in the gun scandal, had not been punished even though he too had possessed a weapon and some reports claimed he loaded a clip into it, the President said, “I know this seems like rank favoritism -- or favoritism contrary to basketball rank. But I can’t talk about it for reasons of national security. You see, the CIA has plans to infiltrate Crittenton into Al Qaeda, and then use him as a suicide bomber to blow up Al Qaeda’s leadership. But due to our respect for the sanctity of life, I assure you the CIA is going to have him wear a full suit of American body armor over the bomb. They were going to dress him in a Humvee, but they couldn’t find an uparmored one because there is a shortage of them.”

The President also disclosed that Lebron James is in on the whole gig, “but I can’t talk about this either for reasons of national security. You see, the night that Stern announced the suspension of Arenas, James attempted to take people’s mind off the problem -- attempted to divert them from focusing on the CIA’s 238th consecutive mistake -- by making a shot from behind the basket. While I at first thought this was original, people in Boston, where Larry Bird replaced both God and the Pope about 20 years ago, have emailed me that Bird once did that too. For real, not as part of the Jordan/Bird off-the-next-building, hit-the ceiling, bounce-off-the-front-row seats, into-the-basket commercials. Anyway Lebron’s shot from behind the basket was amazing. In fact, I think the NBA should install a new five point line to complement its three point line. The five point line would be behind the basket. This will create a whole new series of five point specialists to complement the ever greater number of three point specialists. The non-stop-talking TV announcers will say things like, “There are only ten seconds left and the Celtics are down by four with the game on the line. They need a five pointer to win.”

“In fact,” said O’Bomber, “I have an even more amazing idea for a new 6,000 point shot. This idea will dwarf, will midgetize, my plans for health care, financial regulation and Afghanistan put together. Here’s the idea. 6,000 points should be awarded, and his team should immediately be declared the NBA champion for that season, if a player stands directly behind the middle of the backboard with basketball in hand and, from a standing start, leaps up and over the backboard, doing a Ferschimiltbury flop to get over it, and then dives straight down head first through the basket while still holding the basketball. Now there’s an idea that will take people’s minds off important things and will cause them to focus yet again on absurdities, as they should. And its not travelling either, since it will have to be done from a standing start, not after an eight step run like the modern lay up or dunk. As an ex-basketball player, I think this shot can be done.

“Maybe we should start the ball rolling (heh, heh) with a naming contest for this shot,” continued the President. “A naming contest is how the Washington Bullets became the Washington Wizards, you know. I’ll submit the first set of possible names. How about calling the shot ‘the non-pole pole vault.’? Or maybe ‘the standing non-pole pole vault.’” Or maybe just the Ferschimiltbury Flop? Whaddaya think?”*


*This posting represents the personal views of Lawrence R. Velvel. If you wish to comment on the post, on the general topic of the post, you can, if you wish, email me at Velvel@VelvelOnNationalAffairs.com.

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